My First Depressive Episode Postpartum

Today, I want to share an honest and vulnerable update about my mental health. Recently, I’ve entered a depressive episode, and it’s more intense than my “pre-baby” episodes. I hope that by sharing my experience, others who might feel the same way can find some comfort and know they are not alone.

The Onset of My Depressive Episode

I first noticed signs of this depressive episode a couple of days into our sleep training journey. It began with a familiar sense of existential dread and a feeling that something just was not right. This time, however, the feelings have intensified much quicker than in past episodes.

The Guilt and Self-Blame

Since postpartum, guilt has become a significant symptom of my depression. I feel guilty about feeling depressed, about not feeling the “overwhelming sense of motherhood” after having a baby, and about being angry that I don’t feel like her mom. This guilt is compounded by the fact that I’ve always wanted to feel that sense of motherhood. Part of it could be the fact that I had stepkids first. I stepped into the “mother/caregiver” role, knowing I wouldn’t necessarily be seen as their moms because their moms are still in the picture, and therefore, since my role hasn’t changed much, I don’t feel differently.

The Emotional Toll

This depressive episode is more intense than previous ones. Usually, I can recognize the signs and take steps to cope before it gets too bad. I make sure to go on my morning walks, rest, take a bath, journal, etc.. But, this time, my usual coping mechanisms aren’t working as well. I feel lower and lower despite trying everything I know to manage it.

Challenges of Motherhood During Depression

Waking up early with my baby is particularly challenging because my energy levels are so low. When I would experience a depressive episode with the kids before having a baby, I could sleep in because they are old enough that they can either get breakfast and get to school on their own, or they sleep in way longer than I ever do.

I also find myself zoning out a lot, making playtime difficult. Zoning out with my 9-year-old (when he’s with us) typically ends in whatever thing we were playing, and my 16-year-old (who lives with us) doesn’t play. So, zoning out with them, while not great, wasn’t as challenging to manage. But, with a baby, zoning out is more difficult because she needs to be monitored for her safety and doesn’t quite play independently like her brother.

I’ve also been sleeping a lot during her naps, which feels like the only way to recharge.

Struggling with Bonding

One of the hardest parts is not feeling bonded with my daughter. Logically, I know we have a good bond – she wants me when upset, refuses the bottle if she only wants me, and doesn’t sleep well unless I’m nearby. But emotionally, I don’t feel that bond all the time, and it makes me feel incredibly sad and guilty. I want to feel it, and I hate that a lot of the time, I don’t.

Possible Triggers and Coping Strategies

I believe the sleep training triggered this episode. Listening to her cry broke my heart, and the lack of sleep only made things worse. Despite this, I’ve been trying to maintain some comping mechanisms: walks, hygiene, journaling, resting, keeping the house somewhat tidy, taking baths, and talking wot my husband, mom, and sister.

I’m doing what I can to be present with my daughter and prioritize my energy for her and the other kids. I’ve talked to my husband, mom, and sister about how I’m feeling, and I have a therapy appointment scheduled soon. I know that if I drop too low, I can always call my psychiatrist immediately.

The Most Difficult Moments and a Message to Moms

The strongest feelings of guilt and anger over not feeling that overwhelming sense of motherhood have been the hardest for me to deal with. If you’re feeling the same way, it’s okay. Sometimes the sense of bonding and motherhood do take time (trust me I researched it). Please do seek support though, especially from a professional. It’s crucial to take care of your mental health, not just for you but for your little one as well.

I plan to keep my therapy appointment and get on the cancellation list to get additional appointments sooner than 4-6 apart, hopefully. I’ll keep everyone updated on my therapist’s suggestions and how things progress.

Thank you for reading and for your support. Navigating motherhood and mental health is incredibly challenging, but sharing these experiences makes the journey a bit lighter.

With hope,
Stephanie